Do your taxes.

Delinquent though I was, yesterday when I filed my taxes I was rewarded with a nice refund. A bright spot in my afternoon.

Rekindled Friendships

I just got back in touch with my very dear friend Shannon Kelly, which makes me super happy as I love her so much and she is at all times hilarious. Her advice in a recent e-mail cracked me up:

"Keep up the good work ordering drinks on the rocks, and don't let those skeezy pilots try to buy you a cheap and cheesy drink ("No sir, I'll have a Martini...dry...shaken not stirred...you can put that order for a Sex on the Beach up your ass"). I always knew you'd make me proud."

Debbie Downer

After hearing about a woman in Texas who recently committed suicide, my mother, the perennial optimist, had this to offer: "I read a book on suicide. Women don't usually do it, but when they do, it's not violent. She probably took pills." (waa-waa) "The prototypical person to commit suicide is a 40-year-old white male." (waa-waa) "The most popular days to do it are Monday and Friday. So if you have a friend who is on the edge, you can leave him by himself Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. Hang out with him on Monday and Friday...Ed killed himself on a Monday." (WAA-WAA!)

Friends of Betsy- if you are feeling ill, this is a sneak peek of her bedside manner. Call someone else if you are hoping to be cheered up, like Marilyn Manson.

Audreylicious

Audrey left me the SWEETEST voicemail yesterday. There is not much nicer than hearing a two-year-old tell you that she loves you, misses you, and wants you to come see her. I have finally found someone who enjoys taking pictures of herself as much as I do; this is how our comic book characters will look.

In other news, someone did an impossibly good casting job on the Get Smart movie. Steve Carell is filling Don Adams' shoes while Anne Hathaway will be 99. Can't wait.

Providence

I learned yesterday why my subconscious brought me to Newark (with all its charms). My boyfriend, Paul Simon, was born here.

Rite of passage

For most teenagers, turning 18 means that you can vote, buy porn, and smoke cigarettes. In my case, it meant being able (and allowed) to go to comedy clubs, where I met three men who each bore strong resemblence to my uncles T. Sean, Charlie, and Patrick. Only with more debauchery and profanity than I ever witnessed before. Thinking about that now makes me smile because it shows a certain level of respect- initially for my innocence and then later for my increased maturity.

A Charlie joke from my formative years: Did you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making head lines everywhere!

Brigid's Soulmate

I flew with a man who quite possibly enjoys coupons more than my little sister. Never except on her face have I seen such exuberance regarding the art of coupon clipping and tricks of the trade. Evidently the secret is that grocery stores in Texas double and triple coupons under a certain sum (say, 50 cents). Coupon manufacturers are aware of this practice and so distribute 55 and 60 cent savings, rendering them ultimately less valuable than those with a lower face value. At this point in the story, this man is poised to burst with excitement. The trick, as a flight attendant, is to collect the circulars from around the country in regions where stores do not multiply coupon face values- these will be under the threshold and therefore will be multiplied in Texas. Also, he advised me to pay attention to the local ads as stores will typically put coupon items on sale a few days or a week after the coupon appears in the newspaper.

Brigid, my dear sister, you are a mere amateur.

Umm...gross.

While driving around in Austin this morning, Rachel's boyfriend Roy pointed out 'truck balls' to me on the vehicle in front of us. If I had any confusion of where I was, this innovative new product definitely screamed 'Welcome to Texas'. If you missed the bullet hole sticker decal rage, I urge you to jump on the truck ball bandwagon. Those truck balls are so hot right now. Truck balls.

On an entirely unrelated note, Happy 18th Birthday Kelly!

Clark Austin

My new nephew, Clark (whom Audrey adorably calls 'Clarky'). He sleeps ninety percent of the time...shown yawning here.

Butt Buddies

I miss my uncle. Mucho. Lately I've been rereading e-mails that he sent me when he was alive. I found one that he sent me on April 20, 1999- when Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris shot up Columbine High School. His note has the same meaning today following the Virginia Tech massacre:

"I hate violence. I think any student who uses violence at school, should be beaten, poked with a pointed stick, burned with a branding iron, poked in the eyes with a straw dipped in hot sauce, hit in the family jewels with a aluminum baseball bat, given a wedgie, kicked in the shins with a steel-toed boot, and pulled their hair. That's what I would do to anyone who uses violence. And that's what I think.

Your Anti-Violence Uncle...Charles OUT!"

Name-dropping

I feel that I must plug my nieces' blogs. Click on them on the right side of the screen. Audrey's features new pictures of my nephew Clark. My niece Molly definitely has crossover appeal as she makes her way onto the Morrison blog in a matching dress and looking impossibly adorable.

Can there be anything cuter than Audrey holding a flower to Josh's nose? I defy you to show me anything more awwww-inducing. I recognize that a sizeable part of the appeal of Shannon and Brigid's blogs is the pictures and as such will attempt to include more photos on my own. Wearing clothes and everything, just for Shannon.

UT Fashion Show

For those of you in and around the Austin area on April 20, I strongly urge you to check out the UT Fashion Show at the Frank Erwin Center. One of my very dearest friends, Rachel, has designs headed down the runway. I will be there and hope you will too.

I laughed riotously at this.

Shan sent me the funniest link with the lead-in "i think he was expecting a VERY important call...
http://www.legacy.com/wacotrib/Celebrations.asp?Page=
Announcement&PersonID=87087033"

Enjoy.

A Most Exciting Development

I have a new nephew! Clark Austin Morrison was born at 2:10 pm today and weighed 7 lb 13 oz. Shannon and Clark are both doing well; I will post pictures soon.

Out of appreciation for her parents providing her with a new brother, Audrey is learning to say, "Fahther, you've made me the happiest gahl who ever lived!" (At no extra charge, I've also corrected her diction.)

dictionary.com

Pee-wee: You all remember what to do whenever anybody says the secret word right?
All: Scream!
Pee-wee: That's right. For the rest of the day, whenever anybody says the secret word, scream real loud. Ready? Let's try it.

As a recent e-mail subscriber to dictionary.com's Word of the Day, I invite you to join me. Even if you are only an abecedarian. Sorry- no topers allowed as I am trying to obviate this vocabulary club from turning into something uncivilized.

Genetic Traits

My little sister Brigid (pictured here with her Lucky Charm Molly) humorously complained that she never drools more than when napping in public. It is perhaps no coincidence, then, that her daughter drools more than anyone I ever met, which is evidenced by the photo of her in her bear suit with an intact line of saliva all the way to the ground.


I remember in fourth grade that kids would have contests on the bus to see who could get their spit to dangle the longest while still able to slurp it up. If she continues at this rate, Molly will own this game and be able to hustle her way through school.

New Addition

My family is still anxiously awaiting the arrival of Shannon and Josh's new baby boy. My nephew was due on the first but has been playing an extended April Fool's joke on his parents. This means, however, that Shannon will be able to continue on the family heritage of procrastination and tardiness. As a kindergartener she believed her nickname was 'Tardy' because that is how her teacher greeted her each morning as she walked into the classroom. Our grandmother likes to remind us that our father (her firstborn) 'was late when he was born and he's been late ever since'.

I will be flying to Texas on Monday to see this new baby. Please say a prayer and hold a good thought for a safe and healthy delivery for both my sister and her son.

The Onion made me laugh. And then cry.

I find The Onion to be generally trite, full of hackneyed sarcasm and obvious (generally sexual) jokes. Recently I wandered over to their site (as I have seemingly discovered everything else of interest on the Internet already). Their news briefing read 'Strip Poker Ends Solemnly With Scar Explanation' and I had to laugh, albeit painfully. For those of you who do not know, I have a wicked scar in the center of my back which not only mars the impact of any swimsuit or strapless ensemble but also has ended countless games of strip poker.

So that I might never explain it again, let me tell you the story of my Phantom of the Opera-like disfigurement. I was stabbed and cut open by a butcher. End of story.

Open appeal to Miss Cooey

Patrick did not deserve a zero on that assignment. We both know it. Stop bullying twelve-year-olds and make this right, please.

Noor in New York

I am excited this morning because my bosom friend Noor Zwayne is coming for a visit this afternoon. This is a break that she needs because she is graduating from UT in May and has been feeling very stressed and worried about the uncertainty that lies beyond university. I have confidence in her future as she is very bright and talented. At a certain age, virtually everyone you meet has a few 'If someone told me ten years ago that I'd be ____, I'd have told him that he was crazy' stories. This remains true for me on a much shorter time frame. If someone told me six months ago that I'd be living in Newark, I'd have told him he was crazy. I did move from lovely and warm Austin, Texas to slightly-less-lovely Newark, New Jersey. It is I who must be certifiable.

Vegas

I spent late Saturday and early morning Sunday in Las Vegas (which I highly recommend- particularly if you are able to find a high roller looking for a 'companion' for the evening). At one point in the evening, a flight attendant friend of mine named Christina received a phone call from her friend Travis, who was calling her from jail to say that he was arrested for his third DUI. She got very upset and asked where she could wire money from her savings and then asks, "What does this mean for it to be your third DUI?" His reply was that it meant it was April Fool's Day.

My instinctive reaction was that this was a particularly cruel April Fool's joke akin to making up a divorce or death. On second reflection, however, I concluded that whosoever is clever enough to warrant two DUIs in the first place is most decidedly and without question the Fool, in April and every other month of the year.